On the Road

Today, I flew from San Francisco to Austin---I flew home. A bit weird, having that turned around. But not too weird. Being with X and D makes it home. The townhouse is home now, with all the stuff in it (but not the sofa yet--a few more weeks). I am watching the birds land on the fence outside the window of my home.

I have been on a three-day visit to the main office, in the Bay Area. The plan is that I'll go there every six weeks to do my face-to-face work. The rest of the time, I work from home, using all the communication media at hand--Skype in video, audio or text, IChat, email and the phone. I am determined that this can work. But, we'll see. I have learned that my determination alone does not ensure getting what I want or making it work--whatever IT is.

I learned this difficult lesson from this last bout with depression (and anxiety and general freaking out.) I could do everything right---meds, diet, exercise, sleep... OK, make that 75% right, and I still couldn't make it go away. All that stuff helped me get better in the long run--the long, long run, it seemed--but not as soon as I had, um, determined.

It's an odd experience to be tossed around by my own brain chemistry, like a rag doll thrown by an angry child--repeatedly, as if she is having a temper tantrum. I am at relative peace now. So why the hell did I eat that pizza with the doughy crust for lunch? And a small pile of sugar coated in chocolate yesterday? (Chocolate, above 70%, is actually good for me, but I ate a confection.)